I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
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