i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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