don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
