i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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