If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
