woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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