the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize