We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
