: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
