Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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