Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
