My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
