are you so shy because you have an std?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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