The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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