Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
