Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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