If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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