I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
pray to the hookup gods
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize