the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize