he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
