I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
