I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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