Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
