so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
