i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
