my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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