Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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