I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
