Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
please don't ironically join a cult
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