cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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