god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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