I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
