The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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