Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
