i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize