Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize