the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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