We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
