So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
