Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize