you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
