wanna go halves on a baby?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
