Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's blow job season.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
