laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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