My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
