Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
