Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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