I should be sponsored by Trojan
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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