fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
