Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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