he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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