Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A+ Viking dick
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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