you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can Purell be used as lube?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
