seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
