it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
