The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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