I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
