I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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