I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
is that a dick in a sweater?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
