Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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