i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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