Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
