she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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