you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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