I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
