last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
