my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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