I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
