Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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