my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
