Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
