I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
